I have been suicidal for many years. It is a deeply strange and alien state of mind, very hard to adequately describe to someone that hasn't experienced something similar.
Today I would describe my depression as "well controlled" - I take an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic (I'm not psychotic, the labels aren't always helpful) and I see a mental health nurse weekly and a counsellor monthly. I also receive a small monetary payment from the government as I am not expected to work with my illness.
If these services weren't available to me (for free) then I am fairly sure I would be dead by now. Getting a payment that acknowledges you can't work is in itself amazingly helpful, and gives a lot of validation to the illness.
Even with these support services I still /always/ know how I would kill myself. Every day I consider what my daughter is doing, I wouldn't want her to find the body. If we're staying in a hotel I make a mental note of the best fixture in the room to hang yourself from. The desire is constant and insidious. I avoid trains and high places because resisting the temptation to jump off the platform/building is actually tiring, as well as distressing.
I have traits of bipolar - there have been times in my life when I've been very successful. I was the technical director (CTO) at a listed company in my early twenties and did amazing things, things which I recall now as if I read them in a book.
The periods of success have given me a good cover-story. People assume I'm independently wealthy and have withdrawn because I'm a quirky computer geek. Even my parents and family don't know about the treatments I've been having for close to a decade. The stigma of mental health, and my own lack of confidence, has never allowed me to "come out".
If anyone is interested in a fairly light but very informative look at some of the problems of mental heath issues then I recommend the documentary "secret life of a manic depressive".
It is impossible to image being suicidal
Today I would describe my depression as "well controlled" - I take an anti-depressant and an anti-psychotic (I'm not psychotic, the labels aren't always helpful) and I see a mental health nurse weekly and a counsellor monthly. I also receive a small monetary payment from the government as I am not expected to work with my illness.
If these services weren't available to me (for free) then I am fairly sure I would be dead by now. Getting a payment that acknowledges you can't work is in itself amazingly helpful, and gives a lot of validation to the illness.
Even with these support services I still /always/ know how I would kill myself. Every day I consider what my daughter is doing, I wouldn't want her to find the body. If we're staying in a hotel I make a mental note of the best fixture in the room to hang yourself from. The desire is constant and insidious. I avoid trains and high places because resisting the temptation to jump off the platform/building is actually tiring, as well as distressing.
I have traits of bipolar - there have been times in my life when I've been very successful. I was the technical director (CTO) at a listed company in my early twenties and did amazing things, things which I recall now as if I read them in a book.
The periods of success have given me a good cover-story. People assume I'm independently wealthy and have withdrawn because I'm a quirky computer geek. Even my parents and family don't know about the treatments I've been having for close to a decade. The stigma of mental health, and my own lack of confidence, has never allowed me to "come out".
If anyone is interested in a fairly light but very informative look at some of the problems of mental heath issues then I recommend the documentary "secret life of a manic depressive".